Read inside for an exclusive excerpt from The Golden Generation - by Ralf Little @ 1:02pm 15/07/07
EMAILED HER AND SHEMAILED RIGHT BACK
22 MAY 2006, 11:31
Jack sat staring at his computer screen. He was trying to think of something smooth, but couldn’t think of anything other than, “Hi, you alright?” It wasn’t strictly accurate to say this line had stood the test of time. It had, in so much that he was still using it after all these years, and it was the only chat up line he had ever proffered. On the other hand, it hadn’t always been successful - far, far from it.
Then, out of nowhere, an envelope popped up in the corner of his screen. It was Toni.
From: Toni Haase <tonihaase@verdebank.com>
Sent: 22 May 2006 11:31:11
To: Jack O’Neill <jackoneill@verdebank.com>
Subject: Re: The Kitchen
“Hey, good looking” – Hank Williams.
Jack knew the song. He didn’t know the singer. It made him laugh. It was an unusual way to flirt, but it showed imagination. He liked imagination. But how would he reply? Luckily, Jack’s musical knowledge was extensive.
“Hey baby” – Bruce Channel.
Quick as a flash, the ball came hurtling back over the net. It appeared that Toni also knew her music. He was impressed. Little did he know that she’d played this same game seven times before. The last time had only been two weeks ago, with a guy from I.T.
“What’s new pussycat?” – Tom Jones.
“I don’t like Mondays” – The Boomtown Rats.
“Why did you go and leave me?” – Marvin Rainwater.
This was an odd one. She’d left the kitchen first, yet he supposed he had been the one to end the conversation. Jack didn’t want to let on that his banter had gone AWOL. He wasn’t sure how to respond, so he told her so.
“I don’t know” – Celine Dion.
“Don’t you want me?” – Human League.
Very bold. Toni had stepped it up. The flirting was at least at Defcon Two now.
“Do you want to know a secret?” – The Beatles.
Jack thought a little teasing was in order. He knew he had the upper hand for the moment.
“I want to know” – Ray Charles.
“I only have eyes for you” – Art Garfunkel.
A bit cheesy, but it was that kind of flirting. It doesn’t get much cornier than using song titles as chat up lines.
“Pale Blue Eyes” – Velvet Underground.
She’d noticed the colour of his eyes. Luckily, he’d noticed hers. She had gorgeous eyes.
“Pretty Green Eyes” – Ultrabeat.
“Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?” – Nick Cave.
“You’re the one that I want” – John Travolta/Olivia Newton John.
Jack reckoned that was his worst round yet. The judges would have all scored Toni as the winner of that one. Even more damningly, it had taken him four full minutes to reply. He had desperately been scouring Google for an appropriate song title, but that was all he had been able to come up with.
“Hold me, thrill me, kiss me” – Mel Carter.
Incredibly, though Jack had taken some hard hits to the body in the last round, he still had the beating of her. She was the one who had stepped up the flirting again. Defcon Three.
“The Lady is a Tramp” – Frank Sinatra.
Jack ducked her hard right haymaker and countered by teasing her further.
“Don’t be cruel” – Elvis Presley.
Jack quite liked that response. It was cute. He decided to reward her.
“You are so beautiful” Joe Cocker.
“A Small Victory” – Faith No More.
Jack thought he would up it a bit. Keep her on her toes.
“Kiss me” – Sixpence None the Richer.
Not a huge advance. Defcon Three and a half at the most.
“Tell me what you want” – Zebra.
A great response. Jack hadn’t seen that coming. He was on the back foot. He went back hard.
“I want to sex you up” – Color Me Badd.
Defcon Four.
“Break it to me gently” – Brenda Lee.
Jack knew she was playing with him now. This was a crucial point in the bout. He needed to pull something special out of the bag here.
“I’ll make love to you, like you want me to” – Boyz II Men.
Cometh the hour, cometh the Boyz II Men.
“That’s the way I like it” – KC and The Sunshine Band.
Got her.
“Girl, you’ll be a woman soon” – Neil Diamond.
Defcon Five. The horse had bolted now.
“Save it for later” – English Beat.
Toni was playing hard to get. It was too late to try and shut the stable door now though.
“Let’s live for today” – Grass Roots.
“These things take time” – The Smiths.
Toni was mock pleading. She clearly wanted Jack.
“It’s now or never” – Elvis Presley.
He meant it. He couldn’t remember being so consumed by his hormones - watching women parading in next to nothing on the tube, and now this.
“Take Me in Your Arms” – Mitchell Parish, Fred Markush & Fritz Rotter.
Done.
“Light My Fire” – The Doors.
Jack decided to cut the foreplay. Before Toni had an opportunity to reply, Jack e-mailed her again and told her to meet him in the stationary cupboard in four minutes.
He got no reply. Had he blown it? He considered e-mailing her an apology but that would ruin all of the good work. He decided to go to the store cupboard in six minutes. He did so.
Toni was there sitting cross-legged on the photocopier wearing only a red thong and red high-heeled shoes. If Jack had thought her legs had been sculpted by the Gods before; he now decided they must have been the result of the Gods of the Gods, all working together on a one-off special project. Only the U.S. Basketball Dream Team of Gods could have produced two such heavenly pins.
Jack composed himself and took charge of the situation. He walked towards Toni and took her right there on the photocopier.